My mother pointed to a Hummer that passed by as we were having lunch at an outside cafe one day and said calmly ‘That’s the car I want and if I was twenty years younger, I would buy it.” Although I was surprised to hear that my dignified, petite mother would want an oversize, flashy, bright yellow Hummer, I told her that she should buy one now, if that would make her happy. But she said no, she was ‘too old’ and she was OK with the car she had, a conservative sedan. I thought about this conversation later and wondered how long she had hidden her desire for a Hummer, or any other dreams, from herself and the world? What other goals did she have buried within her that she never acted on because she was afraid of criticism, of going against the flow, or unsure of how to begin? Our mothers also carried Indigo energy, so why didn’t they use it more powerfully and share it with us instead of trying so hard to block ours? Or did they have a different intention? I have pondered this question for a long time and the answer gave me a new perspective on what has been a challenging situation in my life.
In her place, I would go out and buy the Hummer, even at age 75, but that’s me. And it’s also the product of years of showing my mother that I could do whatever I wanted to do, to be successful and have what I wanted, no matter how much she tried to stop me. Or did she? That’s how I have always interpreted her actions but is that what she was really trying to do? Since I have lived close by I have learned a lot about her life and found new reasons for her inability to support and guide me towards the fulfillment of my dreams, the first being that she never had anyone to support her. And the second was in the disappointment and pain that she has had in her life because while she had dreams, she never learned how to fight for them.
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