One of the biggest lessons I learned from nearly dying
of cancer is the importance of loving myself unconditionally. In fact, learning
to love and accept myself unconditionally is what healed me and brought me back
from the brink of death. During my workshops and speeches, I often tell the
audience to "Love yourself like your life depends on it, because it
does!"
Being at the brink of death taught me that my purpose
in life is to be who I am, and express my authentic self fearlessly. But I also
learned that I would never fully express myself unless I was able to accept and
love myself unconditionally. The extent to which I am fearless about expressing
my authentic self is in direct correlation with how much I love and accept
myself.
If you're anything like me, you will feel that it's
one thing to know the importance of loving ourselves in theory, but quite
another thing to effectively put self-love into practice. Most of us come from
cultures and societies that do not promote, or even support, self-love, and we
often feel judged if we love ourselves, value ourselves, or put ourselves
first.
It almost feels as though we live in an upside-down
world where we are taught the opposite of what would really help us in life,
and when we actually stumble upon the truth of how to live our lives joyfully,
we are judged for practicing it.
Perhaps this is the reason why so many of us are
struggling through life -- we are brought up to believe in the opposite of what
would really help us, and when we inadvertently stumble upon the truth of how
to live our lives joyfully, we are judged for practicing it.
Below, I've listed some common myths which people seem
to take as truths, and which I believe hold us back from living our life fully:
Myth #1: It's selfish to love
yourself: To dispel
this myth, just look at its opposite: what does it look like if we don't love
or value ourselves? We feel unworthy, undeserving, and unlovable, and the
person we become is one who is needy with a void that we believe needs to be
filled by others because we believe that it's selfish to fill it ourselves.
This is the person I used to be. I was needy -- and a
people pleaser -- because I needed the validation of others in order to feel
worthy. Now, I've noticed that when we love ourselves, we don't need the
approval of others in order to be who we are. Instead, we are able to bring our
fully-realized, joyful self out into the world -- someone who others want to be
around -- instead of a self that is needy, with a hole that needs to be filled
from the outside.
Myth #2: Loving myself means
needing constant self-care, which could make me high maintenance: Many have expressed to
me that they believe loving and honoring ourselves simply means making the time
in our busy schedules to take care of ourselves -- for example, taking the time
to meditate, smell the flowers, get a manicure, get our hair done, or get a
massage -- basically, spend money on ourselves and give ourselves a treat.
People tell me "I must already really love myself, because I do that type
of stuff for myself all the time. But
my life still doesn't work!"
Although I do think it's important to take the time to
do those things for ourselves if it brings us pleasure, here's what self-love
means to me: It means loving myself even when I fail. Even when I'm feeling
down, and feel as though I have nothing left. Even when I feel that everyone on
the planet is against me and doesn't understand me. I need to be able to look
myself in the eyes, and say, "No matter what anyone else thinks, I will
not let myself down, or forsake myself. I will stay by my own side!"
Myth #3: Loving ourselves
means being in denial of our weaknesses Many believe that loving
ourselves means being in denial about our seeming failures, and just talking
ourselves with affirmations. However, this isn't the case. It's not just about
constantly praising ourselves, talking ourselves up and telling ourselves how
awesome we are. It's about loving the REAL us! It's about loving the human
"us." The "us" who has feet of clay, the "us" who
comes undone under criticism, the "us" who sometimes fails and
disappoints those around us. It's about making a commitment to ourselves that
we will stick by "us," even if no one else does! That's what loving
ourselves means!
Myth #4: It's important to
always stay positive, regardless of external circumstances: Although it's not a bad
thing to have a positive attitude in life, I have found that as someone who
reads books that advocate positive thinking, and how our thoughts create our
reality, I started to become fearful of having "negative" thoughts.
Whenever I had a fearful or insecure or negative thought, I would deny it,
suppress it, and push it away, believing that it would contribute towards
manifesting into a negative physical reality. It was only after almost dying of
cancer, did I realize that I had been suppressing many of my thoughts and
emotions, for fear of being negative, and putting "negative thoughts"
out there. And this suppression only contributed to my illness. I then realized
that it's not my thoughts that create my reality; it's my emotions towards
myself. That is, the more I love myself, the better my external world. The more
I love and value myself, the more I allow positive things to come into my life.
The less I love myself, the less I feel worthy of allowing positive things to
come into my life.
If I constantly suppress certain emotions and feelings
within myself, judging them as being "negative" and forcing myself to
have more positive thoughts, the message I am sending to my own self is that
"my thoughts are wrong. I should not be having these thoughts!"
Basically, I am denying who I am, and what I am feeling. This is not a loving
thing to do to myself, and neither is it healthy to have all these feelings and
emotions bottled up inside. I have since realized that it's more important to
be myself than it is to be positive. And as a result, when I am positive, it is
genuine and authentic.
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